LOVE, LIES, LOSS

 LOVE, LIES, LOSS

CHAPTER 1

I was highly sedated. I had been on prescribed drugs the whole week. I was camping out on my bed, under my covers, making occasional trips to the bathroom. I was either  completely unaware of my surroundings or aware of every little movement each and every fibre in my body made. 

I looked up at the mess which was my room. The curtains were completely drawn, giving the room an eerie atmosphere. The sheets on my bed were all over the place, and I had made for myself a cocoon of blankets and pillows. Nearby, the bedside table was so crowded with assortments of food, I had to join another table to prevent all of it from falling. I reached to get my water, it was so far into the mountain of food piled, I ended up knocking the glass down, and all the water spilled out. Now there were two puddles of water that i had to clean, one here and the other one in the dining room. 

I got up to fill my glass and make another trip to the bathroom, giving up the warmth of my bed, being careful not to step on the water and slip. I switched on the light, and my gaze fell upon my reflection on the mirror.

And I froze. That did not look like me. That couldn't be me.

Those disheveled, unkempt hair looked nothing like mine, even though I knew they couldn't have been perfect, they sure as hell couldn't be as messy and all over the place as I was seeing.

As I stared into those eyes, I couldn't help but fall into the depths of pain and darkness it seemed to have. I looked away from those pleading eyes and glanced at the mouth.

The mouth...it was drawn into a surprisingly straight line except for the corners, which were ever so slightly pulled down to hint at a frown.

The face as a whole, did not resemble mine at all. It had lost all colour and the cheeks were drawn in. It looked pale, as if it hadn't seen light for months. It almost appeared ghostlike.

The shoulders were perfectly poised. Radiating confidence which when combined with the paleness of the face, gave out an off putting feeling.

I was wearing a plain dull coloured shirt with pants. The only difference was that the reflection’s was spotted with a red colored liquid. As hazed as my mind seemed, I thought it was a stain on the mirror. As weird as that seemed, I moved my hands towards the mirror to clean it, and I let out a shocked gasp.

They were red. Bright, blood red. I looked down at my own hands, willing for the blood to not be there. It wasn't. I looked back at the reflection, it was staring at me with pain filled eyes. I looked down at its hands again, they were crimson red. I took a confused step back from the mirror, and tried waving my clean hands in front of my eyes, trying to get that disturbing image out of my mind. 

I stopped, looked at the mirror one more time, hoping that all I was seeing was just my mind playing tricks on me. But, no. There it was, the striking reflection. When I looked at it, everything seemed to dull out, except those dark black eyes, which now conveyed no emotion whatsoever and felt like two big blackholes ready to pull me into their abyss.  The trail of blood on my reflection’s shirt and hands dripped drop by drop and formed a puddle right beside its feet. Instantly, I looked at my feet, and there was nothing there. Now, feeling more confused and scared, I took a step towards the mirror. So did the reflection. 

For a few seconds I just stood there, really looking at the reflection and then I reached out my hand to touch the mirror. The reflection did the same thing. This whole time, I kept my eyes fixated on the reflection’s eyes, which still seemed to be devoid of all emotion. My hand came in contact with the mirror and so did the reflection’s. As soon as our hands touched the mirror, I got the sensation of my hands being wet. Realizing what had happened I screamed and stumbled backwards, falling down. I looked at my hands, which were now covered in dark,crimson red blood. I looked at the mirror and saw the reflection, its hands still where I had touched the mirror, only now there was no blood on its hands and the eyes were filled with deep remorse.

I screamed and tried getting up, only to slip in the pool of blood that had formed around me. There seemed to be an infinite amount of blood. I lifted up my hands to cover my eyes and long for this nightmare to be over, only to realize that all that blood was dripping from my hands. I tried crawling out of the puddle. I crawled all the way into the living room to escape from the demons that were chasing me. After frantically dragging myself across the hall, I reached the dining table. Putting all my weight against the kitchen door, I got up. I was so shaken from this whole experience, I couldn't find my balance, I looked back at the trail I had made and saw blood. Blood marking wherever I had dragged myself to. I closed my eyes shut, thinking if I just thought hard enough, it would all be over. I spun round, trying to clear my head, and when I thought I couldnt spin anymore, I stopped. I opened my eyes, and looked down.

I looked at my reflection in the puddle of water, my face was wet, my eyes were blood red from the tears and my cheeks completely flustered. I brought my shaking hands up to my face, to look if the blood was still there. It was. My hands were still bloody. My eyes were fixated on the reflection which was now slowly vanishing and turning into a shade of red, because of the blood from my hands mixing with the water. Then my brain started thinking. Standing there, the sedated part of my brain willed me to embrace the reflection but the smaller, still alive and sane part of my brain, commanded  me to do anything but. 

“Whose blood could this even be?” My sedated brain offered

“This couldn't be blood, that just isn't right.” Countered the sane part “I have had no human contact this whole week, neither have I had any visitors.”

“Who could have died?” the sedated part argued.

“Whom could I have killed, and what could have been the reason? Or was there a reason at all?” The sedated part continued. 

“Wait. one person had come to check up on me.”

At this point of time, everything seemed to fade away and all I could see was you. You  were at the door, I was standing outside with you. You rang the bell, nothing happened, we stood there for a few minutes, you rang the bell again. Then, when I opened the door, I realized I had somehow gone back in time a few hours and was looking at our interaction from a third person perspective. 

CHAPTER 2

My past self definitely looked like hell.

When I opened the door,I was taken aback and looked somewhat happy to have a visitor, especially you. 

“Don't look so surprised, this visit is long overdue”, you said and pushed past me at the door and walked in.

“Um, yeah it definitely is. Look now is not such a good time.”

“It never is with you. Especially these last few months. Where have you been?”

“Nowhere, I have mostly just been at home”

You started going around the room, and your nose scrunched up, and you lifted your hands up in the air in defeat.

“Just look at this mess, and that smell, how are you living here?”

“I would strongly recommend you don't enter my room. And as for that smell, what smell?”

“Haha, very funny” I could hear the sarcasm in your voice. You walked over towards the medicine table and started rummaging through the stash of empty wrappers.

“Okay, seriously, you have been taking so many medicines?”

I was expecting that. My medicine intake had gone quite high the past few months

“Yeah, they are prescribed, though. Dont worry.”

“Oh yeah? All of them?” you asked, but we both knew the answer.

You came over to me, and sat next to me on the couch. We were sitting so close, yet you felt so distant, so far away. You took my hand in yours, and turned to face me,

“Look I know these past few months have been difficult on you,” I was going to offer my agreement, but realised you weren't really looking for a response, so I just nodded and let you continue “you know with losing your spot on the team.”

“Not to mention coming so close to fulfilling my dream only to have it snatched from my hands.” I added matter-of-factly.

You ignored that little comment and continued, “You know I love you, and I have tried my best to be there for you during these times.”You left my hand and started twitching your fingers, the way you do when you get nervous, “see I don't know what’s the best way to say this” you looked up at me and I knew, by the look in those eyes, this news wasn't going to be pleasant.

“They are looking for someone to fill your spot.”

On hearing that news, I got up slowly and stood that way for a few seconds.

“Okay , okay that isn't so bad, I mean they have not chosen anyone yet, right? And I mean I just need to get my bearings back, and I can come right back.'' I turned to look at you for some assurance, but you looked defeated. You took me by my arm, and made me sit down on the couch beside you again.

“They, uh they offered me your spot.” 

I was honestly, not that surprised because everyone knew you were the best in business after me.

“Uh huh, okay, but you turned it down’ I looked at your face for some sort of confirmation, but I couldn't find any, ‘You did turn it down, right?”

You looked at me once more, got up and started pacing around. You continued pacing around for some time, I was beginning to lose my patience.

“You turned the offer down. Right?'' I repeated a little more aggressively. I guess it might have come out a little louder than I had thought, because you jumped back.

It was not really my fault, was it? That spot was a one time opportunity and it meant the world to me, it was the last step for me to fulfill the dream I had had for the longest time I could remember. And you were always there for me, supporting me, pushing me. And now, you, my love, my friend, my everything was going to betray me like that?

I walked towards you with determined steps, “Did you or did you not turn down that offer?” I asked one final time. The fierceness in my voice hung on the brink of craziness.

You sensed that and took a few steps away from me “See this is what I mean, this, your dream has become so important to you, you have started pushing everyone who cares about you away. Fulfilling your dream has become such a priority in your life, you stopped paying attention to your loved ones, you have stopped calling your family, you don't talk to any of your friends. You have become careless, its like you don't care what happens to you anymore”

“What am i supposed to do then?” our voices were slowly rising. “Becasue of one stupid mishap, they just fired me?”

“It wasnt one freaking stupid mishap!” you shouted. “You overdosed. For the second freaking time. I was there, I understood the first time it happened. You know, all my friends were convinced that you were actually crazy, but no, I kept convincing myself that you are just going through a bad time and it will pass. But guess what? The same thing happened again, and this time I am not going to sit around and wait for you to get better, only to mess your life again, I am sick of living in your shadow and pushing you to do more, while you just sit around waiting for everything to be presented to you on a freaking platter. So, yes when they offered me the job, I took it. And you know what, I'm done. Done with you, done with” you moved your hand in the space between us “whatever the hell this is… was. I’m done.” You finished you rant, panting heavily, and you looked relieved as if this had been on your mind for so long.

Throughout the time you were shouting, I stood perfectly still, but as soon as you said that you had accepted the offer and that you were done, it was as if my hands were no longer in control of my body, and all these emotions that were buried down somewhere came rushing up and started commanding my body, my mind, my soul. My hand grabbed the closest thing, and threw it at you.

You ducked just in time, the water poured out, the vase broke up into pieces and flew across the room.

But one piece hit you.

CHAPTER 3

ENDING I

The sight of blood brought me back from my trance. I was still trying to comprehend what I had done. I had kept my emotions bottled up for so long, they had finally exploded. And how. I cursed myself over and over again.

I took a few steps towards you , to help you, to apologize for what just happened, to explain how I had lost control and never meant to hurt you, to explain how you were the most important person in my life. But you didn't seem to care, you looked so hurt, so scared. As I was walking towards you, you were dragging yourself back, as if trying to escape. You got up, and hesitantly headed for the door, you stayed alert the whole time as if anticipating another attack from me. 

I kept following you, trying to find the words to explain everything, but I couldn't. You reached the door and with trembling fingers opened it. Before heading out, you looked back at me, straight into my eyes, and all I could see in your eyes was hurt and fear.

“I don't know who you are anymore, you have become a monster.”

Realization struck me, it was so loud in my brain, I had to cover my ears and I lost all balance and crumpled to the ground. Then all at once, like how a high tide hits the shore, it all came back to me. The gravity of the situation dawned on me, I remembered what I had done and why I had done it. 

As soon as you had stepped out and closed the door, I ran to the door to stop you, but I melted to the ground, tears were streaming from my eyes, I was banging on the door, calling out your name, asking you to come back.

I went and stood at the door, realising how I had lost you, how not only didn't you love me anymore, but feared me. 

I saw drops of your blood marking a trail all the way to the dining room, I followed that. It seemed to have stopped near the puddle of water, where the both mixed.

But from there I noticed another trail of blood leading to my room, I knew that it couldn't have been you because you never went to my room. As I started following the trail, I knew what lay for me at the end of the trail. But the anticipation was astounding.

The trail led up to my bathroom and ended just at the bathtub. I moved the curtains with shaking hands.

I saw a body laying in a pool of blood, the hand holding a piece of the broken vase.

It was me. 

CHAPTER 3

ENDING II

The piece hit you in the arm, it had cut deep into your skin and you were bleeding. You looked so completely scared and timid, like a lost baby bird. Those emotions of yours, and seeing you there seemed to give me more power, it fueled me with more passion.

But I suppressed these emotions for the time being and walked over to you. I brought the first aid kit to aid the wound. At first you were hesitant to accept my help. I sat down next to you, completely still and put forth my hand. Realizing how much your wound was bleeding, you caved in and gave me your arm. 

I started tending to it. Throughout this episode none of us had said anything. You just kept looking at me like I was a monster and would eat you up at any moment.

“I knew about your plan.”

You looked up at me and you were scared. I continued  in a calm voice,

“I knew it was you who drugged me the other day, hoping to get me fired and snatching my place.”

I was almost done cleaning up your cut, I took out the bandage. You were still looking at me, completely scared.

“Here I was thinking you actually loved me.” I said and taped the bandage a little too hard.

You flinched but managed to swallow your scream. I got up to put the first aid box back. 

I could sense that you had gotten up too and were trying to find the words to explain your betrayal.

“I..I did, I am so sorry…. I didn't mean to… please forgive me.”

Your lame attempt at an apology almost made me laugh. I pushed away the medicine wrappers on the table to make place for the kit. There was something that glistened in the light. I picked it up, it was a knife.

This realization was so loud in my brain, I had to cover my ears and I lost all balance and crumpled to the ground. Then all at once, like how a high tide hits the shore, it all came back to me. The gravity of the situation dawned on me, I remembered what I had done and why I had done it. 

I picked up the knife fallen on the ground. I started making my way to the bathroom, with determined steps. I reached the bathroom, switched on the tap to wash the red off the knife.

“I will always love you.” I mumbled to myself.

Pulling away the curtains from the bathtub, my hands shook.

There inside was your body.