First Cut Is The Deepest

 

First cut is the deepest 

Sharpener blade in hand, empty bathroom stall.

The first cut, to forget seeing what I saw.

To forget the feeling of hurt and treachery.

The second cut, for punishing myself.

For punishing myself to never have learned from my mistakes.

My mistakes, which I keep making again and again and again.

The third cut, for never having the guts to pull out of the vicious circle.

The vicious circle, I had every bit of contribution in the creation of.

The fourth cut, stemmed from self-deprivation.

Deprivation, because I don’t deserve to be happy. 

The fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth cuts, because it felt good to feel.

To feel anything, even if pain.

The ninth and tenth, to see the fresh stream of blood.

Blood, the color which represents love, and most conveniently, pain.

Your death isn’t something that happens to you. It’s something that happens to those around you, to those who care about you. 

For you it’s an impulsive decision, over in a second. But for your loved ones, it is a lifelong of guilt and pain, one they don’t deserve. 

While your mind was overrun with self-hating thoughts, in your absence, others will have to live with that feeling. The feeling of knowing that they weren’t enough of a reason for you to live and fight, knowing if only they had realised sooner. You wouldn’t be gone.

Sooner or later, they’ll start blaming themselves, thinking they were at fault, not realising that your lost will to live had nothing to do with them. And here will start the cycle of self-harm and self-doubt, one you are well aware of, but can do nothing to stop, because just like those you left, you are lost to oblivion.

Flowers in hand, graveyard in sight.

First flower, for the one who lost her dream.

Second flower, for the one who didn’t know any better.

Third flower, for the one who was invisible.

Fourth one, for the one who lost his way.

Fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth for the ones caught in a deadly triangle.

Ninth and tenth, for those who just gave up.

Everyone has the chance to give up, it’s like a red door in the back of your mind. Some people live their lives ignoring that door, some glance at it during hardships, and some make the mistake of choosing and stepping through it. If you find yourself stepping towards the door, find someone or something to guard that door. A guard who can remind you of all the good times, of all the things you would be leaving behind. May it be, memories, a special someone, something that you love doing, dreams or anything, anything that can help you snap out of the momentary darkness. Find your guard, keep him stationed at the red door.

Shoes on feet, courage in heart.

First step, towards a happier life.

Second step, promising never to give up.

Third step, to waking up with newfound hope.

Fourth step, for dreaming and working to live up to them.

Fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth for family and friends.

Ninth and tenth, to living the fullest life.